Those thoughts remind me of the Adoption Bike Tour support team. Man, did they follow through! My desire to finish well was far surpassed by the tremendous effort they expended to help me accomplish that. Often, because of my own needs and self-focus, I was none the wiser to their planning, flexibility, sacrifice, or the stamina it took to be sure every little detail was attended to, just so I could be successful.
I cannot think of a time during the tour that I needed help that I was not helped. I noticed something interesting at our first stop, fifteen miles in to the ride. If a member of the support team didn’t have what I needed, they found another member who did. That continued throughout the duration of the tour. All I had to do was ask.
That is often in direct conflict to what wounded children have experienced. Many that we have attempted to help have had many people say many things to them about which they did not follow-through. While that may not threaten a life or bring about unchangeable circumstances, we all know that a collection of the small stuff sets a belief system in place that can take years to unravel.
Whenever parents or professionals do not follow through, whether unwittingly, from lack of concern, or busyness, another helping of hurt is heaped upon an already hurting child. Consequently, follow-through means little to the multitude of kids who have experienced myriad trauma, including multiple placements and parents or professionals who do not keep their word. I call it the ‘wah, wah, wah’ effect. You see the little hand moving like a mouth? “Wah, wah, wah, heard it all before, like that’ll ever happen . . .”
The simple secret about follow-through is that it is the completion of an action. Ask Rob Bironas, kicker for the Tennessee Titans if it’s important – especially at sixty yards out! More importantly, when parenting or helping wounded children, follow-through is the completion of an action that backs up spoken words. Those spoken words create certain expectations that forge a mindset about the trustworthiness of adults when they do not follow through. To children’s developing minds and emotions, it also sends a strong message about their own self-worth.
I watched an interesting thing happen with follow-through during the bike tour, no matter the level of riding experience. As riders’ needs were met, their confidence grew. As their confidence grew, they became less needy. As they became less focused on needs, they were more focused on meeting the inevitable challenges of such a monster ride.
The same thing happens with hurt children. As you and I follow through, kids begin to believe us. When they believe us, they choose to trust us. When they trust us, they attempt to receive from us. When they receive from us, they take the risk to attach to us. When they attach to us, they increase the probability of healing their hurts decidedly.
It is a noble act indeed to help others cycle across the state in five days on behalf of a great cause. That takes a unique kind of steadiness, energy, and grit. I feel certain that every member of the support team, who are also parents and professionals, would agree that it is far nobler yet to follow through with wounded children. When we give them the chance to focus less on getting their needs met, they are freed to focus more on meeting the day-to-day monster challenges in their lives.
Brenda McElyea, M.Ed.
ASAP Family Advocate
Catholic Charities of TN, Inc.
[ 16 comments ] ( 1802 views ) | related link
Been thinkin’ about how families function. You know, how everybody has a role and we all need each other to accomplish our daily goals and lifetime dreams. That reminded me of the Adoption Bike Tour and how we functioned much like we hope our adoptive families do.
A lot of attention was given to the monstrous ride itself and as much as it is an amazing thing to ride a bike more than 400 miles in five days, it is a more amazing thing to watch it all unfold. Think about it - safely getting 16 cyclists across the state without incident. Could it happen? Did it happen? Of course not! Nor does life happen without incident.
What did happen, though, was a melding of different abilities, personalities, functions, and talents to accomplish the overall goal. How did that happen, you might ask?
One of the most notable things was the selflessness portrayed by the support team. Every family needs this quality – individuals who will lay their own goals aside for awhile for the good of the family. I saw this happen time and again. The support team knew their function; they did their jobs well. What they didn’t know how to do, they made it a point to learn. Quickly. Consequently, I made it across the state on a bicycle in five days.
During those five days, I felt much like what I think our families may feel. Moreso, I felt like what I anticipate our special needs children must feel. At times I didn’t really know what I needed. I had so many needs! My chain fell off. I was massively thirsty. I was learning to ride in a group – tricky, at best! I was hot. I was cold. And, rest. I just couldn’t get enough rest before I had to get back on the bike again. Aches and pains needed immediate and long-term attention, some a band-aid, some a jar of ointment. One member of the support team began to anticipate my needs and by mid-week at our scheduled stops, she was saying, “Your supplies are in the bathroom.”
How we hope our families learn to anticipate the needs of their children! Out of fear or insecurity, many of them have never learned how to speak their needs, needs that are legitimate and that if left unmet, leave gaping holes in their souls that often take a lifetime to heal.
One of the most beautiful things was watching relationships develop amongst the riders and between the riders and the support team. We started out in Memphis as email addresses and program titles. By the time we reached Knoxville, we were comrades completing a mission. To accomplish that sense of camaraderie takes open communication, teamwork, humor, letting others be who they are while they move at their own pace (be it fast or slow), and a sense of ownership of the greater cause. The natural consequence of cooperating with that kind of process is that something far greater than achieving our own agendas happens. Fellow human beings reach more of their God-given potential than they ever could have without each other.
The Adoption Bike Tour was not about the ride. It was not about the riders or even the support team. It was not about recognition or program monies or competition, personally or professionally. It was a collective effort on behalf of the kids, which is precisely what adoptive families are about. They are about healing the kids. What great opportunity our families have to help heal wounded kids and give them hope to be all they were meant to be. What great opportunity we all have to be comrades, no matter our abilities, personalities, functions, or talents, as we support families who experience the challenges and blessings of parenting deeply wounded children and adolescents. Everyone suffers when we don’t help our kids heal while they are still kids. Everyone benefits when we do. May we all do our jobs well!
Brenda McElyea, M.Ed.
ASAP Family Advocate
Catholic Charities of TN, Inc.
[ 16 comments ] ( 1030 views ) | related link
Been thinkin’ about expectations. You know, those ideas you have in your brain about how things ought to be? We all have them. They are usually based on information we have. Here’s my conclusion - if that information is accurate, expectations are more likely to be realistic. If it is inaccurate or absent altogether, they will usually be too high or too low.
Case in point. While riding a training ride recently, I soon discovered that the terrain I had expected – flat as a pancake until the last 25 miles – was actually more like roller coasters with some stretches of flat in between. I have to tell you, this brought up some strong emotions in me. I was angry for having been misinformed. I felt unprepared to take on the task to which I had committed myself. And committed I was – my ride was picking me up that evening a hundred miles away. I wondered if I could actually do what I had set out to do. I was feeling very concerned.
My thinking shifted to how adoptive parents tell me they feel when they have not been adequately prepared to parent a hurt child. Amazingly, their feelings are very similar. If the information they have been given is not accurate or is absent altogether, they feel set up to fail. Understandably, they will be angry. They will feel lost and scared. They will wonder if they can do what they have committed to do.
When unexpected obstacles rear their ugly heads, the beginning of healing is usually found in a paradigm shift. Changing the way I was thinking about the challenge that lay ahead of me is not necessarily what I wanted to do. But, I needed to do it to make any progress. Letting go of feelings that were zapping my energy and blocking my ability to focus was an absolute necessity for me to meet the challenge in an effective way.
A thought crossed my mind that helped me to make the adjustment from defeat to a plan of action: time spent on anger is wasted energy. Yes, I was up against some serious obstacles. No, I did not know what the rest of the ride was going to be like. I didn’t even know if I could do it. But, I knew I was going to try. Many times have I heard “I didn’t know it was going to be like this” from adoptive parents. Sometimes, the expectation is that it is the same as parenting a child one has nurtured from a mother’s womb with a father’s involvement. Often, a big part of our support focuses on helping moms and dads educate themselves about what it means to parent a traumatized child.
You know, support is vital for one to make a shift in perspective. I thought about this after I passed a fruit market on the way. The owner was sitting outside and motioned me in when I asked if she had any bananas. I told her my story and my reason for riding. She gave me the bananas and would not take any money. Then, she smiled and said, “On the house. I was adopted.” I remembered why I was doing what I was doing. It’s just like when our parents meet stiff challenges that threaten to undo them. They desperately need the support of friends, family, and sometimes professionals, to encourage them along the way.
Experience has shown me that life is full of expectations. Truth be told, it is fraught with obstacles, yet ripe with opportunity to change one’s thinking in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds. I see adoptive parents do that all the time. They struggle with knowing the difference between normal adolescent angst and symptoms of trauma. They are often unsure what needs to be disciplined and what they can let slide. They feel the sting of harsh words and fight not to speak their own in return. They are often uninformed or misinformed.
As well, adoptive parents are some of the most committed people I know. They make changes in their perspective because they know that otherwise, they will be defeated. They know that obstacles are learning experiences that eventually make them stronger and the stronger they are, the more effectively they parent. The truth that was reinforced to me in a fresh, new way recently is something many adoptive parents have the inside scoop on. They know one of the most important things about parenting that there is to know: letting go of what doesn’t work is paramount to healing trauma in hurt children.
Brenda McElyea, M.Ed.
ASAP Family Advocate
Catholic Charities of TN, Inc.
[ 82 comments ] ( 843 views ) | related link
Here is a teaser of the upcoming film chronicling the 2006 Tennessee Adoption Tour. Look for more video in the coming weeks. A special thanks to Henry and Kate Pile and all those at SmackPoproductions for following us across the state.
View the Teaser
[ 27 comments ] ( 280 views ) | related link
I remain at a loss for words to adequately describe my experience this past week. Excitement, anticipation, anxiety (lots of that), joy, pride, humility and a huge dose of hope all at the same time. Michael is absolutely right, the Adoption Tour mirrors the experience of adopting, the experience of parenting. Along the way we had our share of mountain top experiences, witnessing the finalization of adoptions in Memphis and Knoxville and seeing the joy on those families faces was extraordinary, riding by schools where kids stood along the fence and cheered, a sign that said “Adoption Rocks”, the laughter among the team as we recounted our stories, the fact that folks were getting the difference a forever family makes in the life of a child, and riding into a celebration that welcomed us with a loving embrace!
And there were certainly our share of challenges. Riders joined us who had very little experience on a bike, roads that seemed to go on forever, huge hills and mountains, leg cramps, saddle sores, not enough protection, communication challenges, buckets of rain, hail and yes – snow!
On the road and at home Harmony, DCS, and the provider agencies came together as one. Gone was any feeling of competition…we all owned the tour, we all worked towards a common goal. We watched out for one another, offered words of praise and encouragement, shared our frustrations and joys and worked together. Each of you, whether you were arranging a celebration, riding a bike, answering the phone, caring for a client, or driving a van has furthered our efforts to spread the good news of adoption.
Offering my thanks seems so inadequate. I want you to know that I admire and respect each of you and deeply appreciate all you do for those we serve. And I believe that together there is nothing the Adoption Tour family can’t do!
With a grateful and loving heart,
Pam Wolf
Executive Director
Harmony
[ 11 comments ] ( 247 views ) | related link
Next
Categories
